Martinez Rules!: 640

This is how these things usually start:

Daddo: Hey, I have this idea for us to do something that's gonna be a ton of work, involve hundreds of miles of driving, and be just-beyond-slightly dangerous.

Me: Ok, great! Let's do it!

Daddo: I'll get the kids!

And so was our 640 mile off roading/tent camping adventure along the Mojave Road in the Mojave National Preserve born. "What's the Mojave Road?" you ask? See below:

Basically, it's how homeschoolers disguise a camping trip as their California History curriculum. It also covers geology and Native American studies.

Yeah, that's right, sleep. You're gonna need it!

Our fearsome leader

Chachi is not a bit worried about our survival. He's just kickin' back, watchin' Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. He knows were fully stocked.

This road marker is irrelevant. As long as the rock cairns are on your right, you are on the right road. Some people had a hard time with that and wanted to rely on their fancy-schmancy GPS machines to keep us from getting lost. Whatev.

Some beauty to behold before I terrify you with my recounting of our night in the devil's wind tunnel.

Our most hated weather phenomenon when camping is, hands down, wind. Couple this with Daddo's extreme aversion to setting up camp in the dark, and you have the beginnings of a hellish first night. By the time we arrived at camp, set everything up, and ate dinner it was after 9pm. At least the children were tired, because if I had to deal with them in addition to the gale force winds screaming through the canyon, there would have certainly been bloodshed. But, God was merciful, put them into a deep sleep, and rendered them oblivious to the 60+mph maelstrom that was threatening to rip our tent to shreds and send us tumbling into the gulch below. Keep in mind, a tent big enough for 5 people, one in a mini-crib, is no low profile shelter. It was like sleeping inside of a giant sail.

The nature of this particular windstorm was uncannily similar to childbirth. It's like when you are in labor and you know a contraction is coming, and you know it is going to hurt like $%*#, but there is not a thing to be done about it. You see, it wasn't a constantly violent wind; it would recede to a mere bluster at intervals of about 1-2 minutes before we could hear it howling inevitably towards us at speeds sufficient to blow sand particles clear through the fabric of our tent. When it did calm a bit, it was just enough so that the breeze inside the tent would swirl tiny bits of my hair around my cheeks and forehead. It felt like little baby spiders crawling over my face all night long.

Meanwhile, the children: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Until about 2 am. Chachi awakens. "Hey, what the...mom and dad are right there! Awesome! Time to play! This game where the tent fabric is blown down right on top of me so that I can bat at it and giggle is soooooo fun! Now, I'm a puppy! Woof! Woof! Now I'm going to crawl all over your head and stomach and try to wake Fiona up! Now I'm gonna scream like a rabid monkey when you try to get me to lay down next to you and sleep!" For 2 1/2 hours.

We got about 45 minutes of sleep. We woke up to beautiful weather and static electricity.

"Hi, I barely slept last night, but that's not slowing me down!"

"I slept, and I'm full of energy, ready to go! Let's go!"

The view overlooking our outdoor toilette.

Kirk's idea of fun is to hand a sleep deprived mother a gun. Please ignore the stretchmarks.

The girls stay clear of mom as I take out my aggressions on an innocent aluminium can.

Daddo's turn

That's a long road ahead. People WALKED that. NO thanks!

They get us where we need to go.

Kirk, the Jack Hannah of the desert, found a horny toad, which is really a lizard.

Mama and Captain McSmirky. By the way, I forgot to pack a sweatshirt or jacket for myself, so Daddo went without one for the weekend.

A great picture of my great loves

Chachi's mission was adventure. I am pretty sure that his main objective was to find and get bitten by the highly venomous Mojave Green Snake. His #1 tip for adventures both at home and abroad would be: Always brandish a stick of some sort. It should be at least 3/4 your height, preferably more.

My sweet girlies

Jared is SO bad!!!!!

It turns out kids can only play with rocks and dirt for so long until they get bored and start whining. I don't like whining, so I rounded them up for the perennial favorites of Red Light/Green Light and Mother, May I. Somehow, Richard won every time.

I think we need to start a self-portraiture business. But then, would we be our only customers...?

My heart just exploded from seeing this cuteness.

Nathan brought his rapelling gear, so the boys had a little fun. Well, I'm not sure it was fun for Jared. I'm pretty sure he had a fear induced mini-stroke on his way down.

Government Holes

"The most famous incident in the history of Government Holes occurred on November 8, 1925, when two men, Matt Burts and J. W. "Bill" Robinson, shot it out in the cabin there. Both were killed. They were both gunfighters and hence vestiges of a chapter in western history that most thought had already passed." - Mojave Road Guide, Dennis Casebier

The only excitement we had here was coming up with jokes, varying in propriety, about the name Government Holes.

And, back on the road, in search of our campsite. Our original destination at the base of an extinct volcano had been razed, probably by stupid environmentalists trying to restore the heavily mined volcanic land to its former glory. Now, we were left to follow Kirk for what could have very possibly been hours or days to find a new campsite. Alas, our trusty friend came through with Lava Falls: picturesque, secluded, and sheltered on all sides from devil wind.

Our trauma from the night before led Patrick to choose the most sheltered little niche he could find in which to camp.

God bless Daddo, and God bless America!

Ragamuffins at campfire, and thank goodness we got to have one, because it is really NOT camping without a campfire.

My girl is getting so big! She wanted to try roasting hot dogs over the fire, so I let her. Let the child endangerment accusations fly!

Ah, hear that. No? Excellent. That is the sound of no wind.

The Martinezes

Early morning at camp, getting a little more rest before the fun begins. How do we spell fun?

H-O-M-E-M-A-D-E Z-I-P-L-I-N-E!

Nathan rigged up this really cool and only mildly unsafe zipline for the kiddos. Madeline and Richard are doing a sort of modified game of bowling, wherein Madeline zips down while Richard runs away and dives to the ground shortly before Maddie can knock him over.

"Wheeeee!"

"Hey, has anybody seen any snakes? I need to get bitten still."

Fiona was less sure about the zipline than the other kids. She needed to see her big sister make a successful pass without dying before she would try it. It was my idea to run along under her to spot her the whole way down. Well, Fiona is tiny. Her light little body zipped away from me faster than I could run. She got scared, which could have triggered one of two responses: let go, or hold on tighter. Despite her total lack of common sense, she did not let go.

No sooner did we pack up the last of our stuff and slam the truck doors shut did the freezing (literally) rain begin to fall.

Rollin', rollin', rollin'!

Our kids, I promise they are not feral children we found living in the Lava Tubes

"What's a lava tube?" you ask? Must I tell you EVERYTHING? A lava tube can form when a thick lava flow begins to cool from the top down, and from the bottom up. The hottest lava in center of flow eventually flows out, leaving a long, underground tube behind.

Chachi and I are not in these pictures because we fell asleep in the car.

I TOLD them not to mess with the heart of the Island!

More scenery from around the Lava Tubes

The Cavalry: Strobel, Mark, Howell, Martinez, and Bigler

Kirk and Richard and Jared

Beautiful, gorgeous, wish you were here!

Anyone at Land Rover want to pay us for this shot?

Most people upon encountering a snake get as far away as they can, as fast as their legs will carry them. Our friends are not most people. The conversation (over CB radio, of course) goes like this:

Kirk: "Is that a snake in the road?"

Jared: "Yeah, let's stop and look at it."

Nathan: "I have a snake pole."

Of course, doesn't everyone? Then the snake is picked up and passed around for each of the children to pet and hold. As far as parents go, I am almost as far away from neurotic and overprotective as you can get. Almost. There are no pictures of my children here because they were strapped safely in their carseats during this whole episode.

It's also excursions like these, happening anywhere from 3 to 12 times a day, that make driving 640 miles a 3 1/2 day trip.

Soda Lake - Soda Lake is a dry lake at the terminus of the Mojave River The lake has standing water during wet periods, and water can be found beneath the surface.
Soda Lake along with Silver Lake are what remains of the large, perennial, Holcene Lake Mojave. The waters of the lake, now with no outlet, evaporate and has left alkaline evaporates of sodium carbonate and sodium bicarbonate.

Consider yourself further educated.

Because there's nothing like bombing through a dry lake bed to throw your rock on a giant pile of rocks thrown there before yours.

Keep them on your RIGHT!

Blooms, beauty, sand dunes, and millions of snake holes. Yet, Chachi still fell short of his goal of being fatally bitten.

Kirk is stuck, so we all laughed and took pictures.

Afton Canyon is a picturesque area of the Mojave Road. The Mojave River crosses the road here, there is always water and it can be quite deep. Afton Station used to be the home of railroad workers in the past but it has been abandon and torn down, today nothing remains to identify the spot accept a wide spot in the road.